I am not someone that shows vulnerability too often or even too well. I am unsure if it is a universal trait amongst all human beings, or if it is socialized among us that vulnerability equates to weakness. For me, there is this uncomfortable feeling I have in the pit of my stomach when I am not projecting the image I feel is appropriate for those around me to see and believe is who I am. And yet, oftentimes, what I am projecting is not the real me – or at least just a very small sliver of who I am. At the same time, the real me is being forced to stay silent, to remain locked in the back of my mind, heart, and soul, and told to wait it out, deal with it later, or to do it by myself.
Have you ever lost your way? Metaphorically or literally. Whether it was through an unknown part of town or in a new city or even in the dark in your own apartment. You feel that anxiety begin to build up, and soon you begin to panic. Metaphorically, for me, it manifests in ways of forgetting why I do the things I do. It also looks more like no longer taking pride or happiness in the things I do, not being happy with the product I produced, and even losing my sense of humor and ability to take things lightly.
I am someone who doesn’t ask for help. I am very much willing to help my friends and even strangers, ready to sometimes pour my energy and heart into things for them, asking for nothing in return. I know many of you are like this and can relate to me. Empathy is something we are very good at. I love seeing people around me smiling, feeling validated, and knowing that they matter. And yet, that takes a huge toll on who I am as a person. Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor, says that “what is to give light must endure burning.” I never really thought about it that way, and yet it is so true isn’t it?
For us who pour our hearts and energies out to others, like a candle giving light, must endure burning and will eventually burn out if we don’t replenish our energy. And honestly, I do a horrible job in recharging my energy. And it shows. My energy levels aren’t what they used to be. I know my mental health isn’t as high as it usually is. I grow tired more and more quickly. I become apathetic towards things I used to find intriguing. I’ve given up my hobbies. I become paranoid and triggered by the people I hold close and I love. I begin to barricade my entire inner self from those around me. My façade begins to break down. And unfortunately, I begin to lose hope and become very sarcastic and condescending and negative about my outlook. I’m burning out. Couple that with a sheer unwillingness to admit this and ask for help, I might be destined for a very poor outcome.
Where is that person that people fell in love with? Not always romantically, but love as a friend, a colleague, or confidant. Am I that person still? Or have I been jaded?
This post is clearly not about exercising physically. And maybe, if I wanted to attach it to exercise, I would argue that this post could be seen as a form of active recovery – the ability to still be moving while also recharging and regaining that energy and drive to perform.
I am going to present myself and to all of you a covenant, which is designed to provide its author with direction, purpose, and motivation towards actualizing her/his potential. Basically, I am going to try and recalibrate my moral compass. Why?
Because my human worth cannot be measured by my work. My human worth cannot be validated by the institutions, systems, and tasks that I am a part of. These inhuman things are inhumane. They cannot and will not validate who I am as a person. I will never be able to give enough to them because they will always expect more than I can do. It is how they were created. And unless I find my self-worth and my humanity in myself and through the people I love, I will always fail and never achieve my full potential. And really, I’ll never be happy.
So here goes a simple Covenant:
It is my mission/covenant…
To live: with as few regrets as possible; to live without fear of failure; to live a life worth remembering and honoring; to live a life worth giving back to my parents and to give forward to my children; to live life and not always plan a life; to live knowing I have a lot of life to live
To work: in a place and with people dedicated to changing the world for the better; to work towards social justice; to work towards achieving the things in life that are worth living for; to work not for a paycheck but to love what I do
To continue: making a difference; loving my friends, family, and my girlfriend; to love waking up every day; to love the life I was given; to love loving and being loved; to love who I am
To be: a good son, a good friend, worker, colleague, lover, human being; to be more than just those titles; to be happy; to be ok with being imperfect
To become: someone my parents, ancestors, and others can be proud of; to become someone who trusts his friends/girlfriend/parents/others to help him; to become strong enough to be vulnerable and to ask for help; to become a father, a husband, a professional, a better friend
To believe: I am capable; I am worth it; I am human; I can always be better but that doesn’t make me not amazing right now; to believe everything will be ok; to believe my best is truly my best; to believe that people will understand; to believe I am no better than my friends; to believe it is ok to ask for help; to believe I am no perfect
To promote: social justice, love, respect, paying it forward
To strive: to be better, to protect/provide for the ones I love, to take care of myself; to be ok with saying no; to always make my parents proud; to not see myself and my dreams/abilities/beliefs are not better than those around me; to strive to always pay it forward
To seek: help when I need it; more knowledge every day; friends that lift me up and not bring me down; to seek a true balance in my life; to seek more within myself than outside of myself
To: define myself and not have my work or something else define me; to believe in the impossible; to be optimistic; to always smile; to always have an open heart, mind, and spirit
天下無難事, 只怕有心人
(no task is impossible, just individuals too afraid to try)
Maybe this will help. Maybe it will not. I hope it does. And maybe it might help my friends and family who are reading this.
If you feel as though this may help, please use it. Make it work for you.
I don’t want to burn out, and I don’t my friends and loved ones to burn out.
I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy – Og Mandino
When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way – Wayne Dyer
