My Covenant With Myself

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why – Mark Twain


I am not someone that shows vulnerability too often or even too well. I am unsure if it is a universal trait amongst all human beings, or if it is socialized among us that vulnerability equates to weakness. For me, there is this uncomfortable feeling I have in the pit of my stomach when I am not projecting the image I feel is appropriate for those around me to see and believe is who I am. And yet, oftentimes, what I am projecting is not the real me – or at least just a very small sliver of who I am. At the same time, the real me is being forced to stay silent, to remain locked in the back of my mind, heart, and soul, and told to wait it out, deal with it later, or to do it by myself.

Have you ever lost your way? Metaphorically or literally. Whether it was through an unknown part of town or in a new city or even in the dark in your own apartment. You feel that anxiety begin to build up, and soon you begin to panic. Metaphorically, for me, it manifests in ways of forgetting why I do the things I do. It also looks more like no longer taking pride or happiness in the things I do, not being happy with the product I produced, and even losing my sense of humor and ability to take things lightly.

I am someone who doesn’t ask for help. I am very much willing to help my friends and even strangers, ready to sometimes pour my energy and heart into things for them, asking for nothing in return. I know many of you are like this and can relate to me. Empathy is something we are very good at. I love seeing people around me smiling, feeling validated, and knowing that they matter. And yet, that takes a huge toll on who I am as a person. Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor, says that “what is to give light must endure burning.” I never really thought about it that way, and yet it is so true isn’t it?

For us who pour our hearts and energies out to others, like a candle giving light, must endure burning and will eventually burn out if we don’t replenish our energy. And honestly, I do a horrible job in recharging my energy. And it shows. My energy levels aren’t what they used to be. I know my mental health isn’t as high as it usually is. I grow tired more and more quickly. I become apathetic towards things I used to find intriguing. I’ve given up my hobbies. I become paranoid and triggered by the people I hold close and I love. I begin to barricade my entire inner self from those around me. My façade begins to break down. And unfortunately, I begin to lose hope and become very sarcastic and condescending and negative about my outlook. I’m burning out. Couple that with a sheer unwillingness to admit this and ask for help, I might be destined for a very poor outcome.

Where is that person that people fell in love with? Not always romantically, but love as a friend, a colleague, or confidant. Am I that person still? Or have I been jaded?

This post is clearly not about exercising physically. And maybe, if I wanted to attach it to exercise, I would argue that this post could be seen as a form of active recovery – the ability to still be moving while also recharging and regaining that energy and drive to perform.

I am going to present myself and to all of you a covenant, which is designed to provide its author with direction, purpose, and motivation towards actualizing her/his potential. Basically, I am going to try and recalibrate my moral compass. Why?

Because my human worth cannot be measured by my work. My human worth cannot be validated by the institutions, systems, and tasks that I am a part of. These inhuman things are inhumane. They cannot and will not validate who I am as a person. I will never be able to give enough to them because they will always expect more than I can do. It is how they were created. And unless I find my self-worth and my humanity in myself and through the people I love, I will always fail and never achieve my full potential. And really, I’ll never be happy.

So here goes a simple Covenant:

It is my mission/covenant…

To live: with as few regrets as possible; to live without fear of failure; to live a life worth remembering and honoring; to live a life worth giving back to my parents and to give forward to my children; to live life and not always plan a life; to live knowing I have a lot of life to live

To work: in a place and with people dedicated to changing the world for the better; to work towards social justice; to work towards achieving the things in life that are worth living for; to work not for a paycheck but to love what I do

To continue: making a difference; loving my friends, family, and my girlfriend; to love waking up every day; to love the life I was given; to love loving and being loved; to love who I am

To be: a good son, a good friend, worker, colleague, lover, human being; to be more than just those titles; to be happy; to be ok with being imperfect

To become: someone my parents, ancestors, and others can be proud of; to become someone who trusts his friends/girlfriend/parents/others to help him; to become strong enough to be vulnerable and to ask for help; to become a father, a husband, a professional, a better friend

To believe: I am capable; I am worth it; I am human; I can always be better but that doesn’t make me not amazing right now; to believe everything will be ok; to believe my best is truly my best; to believe that people will understand; to believe I am no better than my friends; to believe it is ok to ask for help; to believe I am no perfect

To promote: social justice, love, respect, paying it forward

To strive: to be better, to protect/provide for the ones I love, to take care of myself; to be ok with saying no; to always make my parents proud; to not see myself and my dreams/abilities/beliefs are not better than those around me; to strive to always pay it forward

To seek: help when I need it; more knowledge every day; friends that lift me up and not bring me down; to seek a true balance in my life; to seek more within myself than outside of myself

To: define myself and not have my work or something else define me; to believe in the impossible; to be optimistic; to always smile; to always have an open heart, mind, and spirit

天下無難事, 只怕有心人

(no task is impossible, just individuals too afraid to try)

Maybe this will help. Maybe it will not. I hope it does. And maybe it might help my friends and family who are reading this.

If you feel as though this may help, please use it. Make it work for you.

I don’t want to burn out, and I don’t my friends and loved ones to burn out.

I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy – Og Mandino

When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way – Wayne Dyer

A Big Price to Pay for Giving Up the Small Things

There is no secret routine, no magic number of reps and sets. Where there is, is confidence, belief, hard work on a consistent basis, and a desire to succeed – Steve Justa

So it’s the middle of March, about two and a half months into the new year 2013, and there’s a question that I would ask myself and perhaps any one reading this: How’s your New Year’s Resolution? Have you stuck with it, or did you throw it in the garbage along with the pounds of chicken wing bones after the Super Bowl? This is not an accusatory question nor is it meant to manifest guilt or shame. The next question is: do you observe Lent? What have you chosen to give up as your penitence? Have you kept true to that as well or have you faltered?

Many of you may have read my previous post about my path from obesity to my current state of relatively healthy living. Being a skeptic to many weight loss infomercials and success stories I hear and read about on the news, online, or magazines, I would guess at least one person still doubts my story or sees it as a unique story. Somehow, I had that extra help, or that extra something, that special thing that made it easy or attainable for me to lose the weight and keep it off. Was it pills? Was it an eating disorder? Was I secretly really athletic and lean, and I injured myself, got fat, and then easily lost it again?

The answer is no. I did not use pills. I did not have an eating disorder where I deprived myself of food nor did I purge my food from my body. And no, I was a fat kid growing up; you can ask my parents, my relatives, and my few friends I still have from middle school and high school. There was no secret silver bullet for me. I did not have gastro bypass or liposuction. I didn’t jump on the fad crash diets or the diet pills.

I succeeded because I DID NOT GIVE UP.

Giving up is a very easy thing to do. It does not take much to skip that next work out. It does not take much to stop flossing. It is very easy to no longer say your prayers, go to church, say “I love you” to your parents. It is easy to forget to call your best friend (guilt of this so often). It is very easy to say yes to that third brownie or that fifth Girl Scout cookie. It is super simple to look past fruits and vegetables and aim for the sodas and candies. It’s easy. And I am guiltier than the average person when it comes to this.

So what is the danger in giving up on those things? What is the danger in giving up my New Year’s Resolution(s) or not taking part of whatever I gave up for Lent? It does not hurt anyone nor does it cause any cataclysmic issue. It’s just working out. It’s just healthy living. It’s just Lent.

What if it becomes something bigger? What if you give up your pursuit for that promotion? What if you give up your passions for whatever you want to do in life? What if you no longer play at 100% because you’re afraid of a slight chance of being injured? What happens when I start giving up on the bigger things? I, as a human being, am a creature of habit. My habits are a large part a definition of who I am and what I will do in the future. So if I give up on the small things, the easy things, the things that don’t have cataclysmic impact on my life, what happens when the big things begin to get very tough, get harder, press me to the point of my breaking point? What happens then?

Will I give up? Will I find an excuse to use? Will I justify it with something easily refutable with the simple answer of “We make time for what’s important to us”?

There are days where I hate getting up at 5:45 in the morning to start my routine, to get coffee ready for Emilie, to take Cornell (our dog) out to the bathroom, and then to also start working out. There are days where I don’t want to go to Cycle X. There are days where I don’t want to do something, skip something, and just give up. There are many days, more than I would like to admit, where I just blatantly disregard what I know I should be doing and do the exact opposite without a good reason. And what makes it uneasy for me is that, most of this, is the easy stuff. Like getting in a workout.

The Real World out there, with its exponential responsibilities and pressures, its cutthroat nature, and its unrelenting forward movement, is a reality I face everyday. I may not face it full force like my parents do, or the way full-time people experience it, but I see it and feel it a little more each day. And the consequences and rewards of my actions will be greater and more intense.

What does it say about me when I give up so easily? When a simple resolution to myself, I cannot or will not follow it? What does it say about me if I know the things I should be doing, but I do not do them? What does it say about me when I do not make time for the things that are important and make time for the things that are not important?

What does it say about me if I give up on the little things in life… what will that tell people about what I may do when the big things in life come up?

Perhaps I need to look at myself more, and look as to what holds me back.

Is it a lack of confidence? A lack of belief? Am I just not a hard worker when things get tough? Do I take pride in my work and myself? Do I have a desire to succeed? Or maybe… what am I so scared of that makes giving up that easy? Hard things to face. Even harder if I never face them, and they come back to hit me very hard when the consequences get bigger.

Do you know what the future is? The future is just a bunch of what you do right now strung together. And what does that mean if you’re giving up right now? Trust me, there is no future in that. I hope you don’t give up this easy in life, because it gets a hell of a lot harder than this. - Christopher Fan

My Confession: The Story Underneath the Stories

It took more than one day to put it on – it will take more than one day to take it off

Everything you need is already inside - Nike

Many, if not all, of you who are reading this did not know me when I was seventeen years old, a simple high school kid living in a small town in the Northeast trying to get out of that town. For those who did know me during this time, my guess is that we may not have stayed in touch or we have forgotten one another in some capacity. Regardless, eight years later, I still remember who you were (and hopefully know who you are) and how close we still are. For those who have entered my life post-2006 until the present, I would like to present this post to each and every one of you. This post is not an easy post to rewrite (I have written about it before) because the subject of it is never easy for me to look back upon deeply. So what’s the topic?

When I was 17 years old, I weighed 285 pounds and was considered severely obese.

I am sure many of you are astounded, surprised, and are even denying this. Many of you are probably thinking, “No way, you are lying” or some other form of challenge against what I said. I’m not drastically embellishing the notion of having a “little chub” or “big boned” or any of those sayings we say to ourselves or to others. I truly was morbidly obese, and I weighed what I weighed. For those you use the BMI as a marker (I do not because I think it’s grossly inaccurate and horrible way to judge health), I was at 39.7. The pictures at the bottom of this post will attest to my honesty. I did nothing to alter these photos – no Photoshop, no touch ups, just a quick scan from printer to computer.

I was unhealthy. I did not eat right. I did not exercise. I also did not monitor the kind of calories and types of food I was eating. Thus, I became obese – and teetering on the verge of having diabetes, hypertension, and even gastro-bypass. My cholesterol was already high, my kidneys weren’t doing too well, and all those fun health issues were all creeping up on me. It was the threat of gastro-bypass from my doctor that snapped me into reality. I was eating myself to death. I was eating myself to the verge of no return. So I made a change.

Now, 8 years later, I weigh around 185-190 pounds depending on the day, so in essence, I almost lost 100 pounds. At my lowest weight, I did lost over 100 pounds; however, through working out and lifting, I have gained muscle mass that has raised my overall weight. My BMI tells me I’m still overweight, which is why I don’t trust or hold any value to the BMI scale as a stand alone marker to health and health risk.

For many people, the question that will be asked most frequently will be “How did you do it?” And honestly, I believe the generic answers are also my answers in the sense that I did start eating better and I started to work out. Changing what I’ve eaten, how much I’ve eaten, and when I’ve eaten all has changed what I look like and how I feel. Likewise, having an exercise routine and knowing how to exercise also changes the body and the mind. However, if someone were to ask me “How did you do it?,” I would very much answer the question in a more deeply and philosophical way… as well as say I ate better and worked out.

Emotionally and philosophically I had to change who I was to do this. There is a huge gap between knowing what to do, and doing it. Many of us can attest to multiple life choices where we knew exactly what to do… and yet did not do it. And we have our reasons.

Losing weight is about dedication. Like many things in our lives, much of our success can be attributed to the dedication we have. While I know there are many other factors that are involved, many of those factors we cannot control. What we can control is the mindset we bring and the dedication we have. And that’s how I lost the weight. I dedicated myself to losing weight, but more importantly, to be healthy and live my life in a way where I did what I could control in hopes of a long and healthy life. Many people accuse people who work out addicts or obsessed; yet it truly should be seen as dedication. There are plenty of people who may actually be addicted or obsessed, but that in many ways can be said about other things we prioritize in our lives.

I chose not to do crash diets. I don’t believe in fad diets. A diet is not a lifestyle, it is a temporary means of losing weight. I did decide to alter the things I ate, and be smart about what I eat. There is a common saying that “Take care of your body, it’s the only place you have to live in.” The quality of our homes are determined by the tools and material we use. The material is the food we eat and drink. The tools are how we build our bodies. And like building homes, we have people who support us. And we have people who help us.

We all have heard the success stories on TV or the Internet. We see the BeachBody commercials, the P90X commercials, Insanity, Zumba, etc. We see the testimonials, and many of us do not believe it. I write about my philosophical, personal, and physical struggle and successes with working out, fitness, and health as a way of personalizing it to my friends, families, and loved ones. This is possible. Losing the weight is possible. Being healthy is possible. While the Biggest Loser does a phenomenal job in showing people how to lose weight, it does not do a great job at creating a plausible and real-world experience for people.

Perhaps my story, my writings, my blog… perhaps that can make others feel inspired. Maybe it will help them understand how beautifully philosophical and deep exercising is. It is not just the ability of the body to complete a repetition, a mile, a lap, or a set. It’s a total body demand. Working out demands your body, your mind, your heart, and your soul. The dedication to working out is the same dedication to relationships, to school, to your job, and to all the other things we hold dear in our lives. Will we give our minds, souls, hearts, and bodies to [insert what is important to you]? If it’s yes, then it’s possible.

“Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easeir to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING.” - Adidas

17 years old

17 years old to 23 years old

Present

Don't Close Your Eyes

If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.

It’s always interesting to enter a fitness center or a gym. People from all walks of life, age groups, levels of fitness, levels of fitness knowledge, all are doing a plethora of exercises, whether its lifting weights, running, biking, or on the elliptical. One of the more interesting things that happen at the gym is when you begin seeing patterns that almost everyone does. It doesn’t matter if they are competing to be the next Mr. Universe or just trying to relieve some stress on a yoga mat or training for a marathon. It’s interesting that certain habits are almost entirely universal.

If you have not heard the song No Diggity by Blackstreet, I recommend you YouTube it and listen to it. It’s a great song, and it’s a good song to workout to. As you listen to this song, imagine being more than 30 minutes into a high-intensity spin class (Cycle-X: yes, I know, I talk about it often), your legs are tired from 6 previous days of working out, you’re sweating profusely, and you hear your instructor tell you to turn your resistance to ten. As many of you may have remembered, a 10-workout on a bike is like running barefoot through mud at a sprint. Your quads, hamstrings, calves, and shins will burn, and your breathing will be very ragged.

So bringing back that universal habit that almost all of us do at the gym: when things get intense, we close our eyes. I am sure all of you can think back and agree that, yes, on more than one occasion, when you were lifting, squatting, on the elliptical, doing something strenuous at a gym or outside, you closed your eyes when the workout got extremely difficult.

Well Sunday instructor Ashley (also the best Cycle-X student that I have ever seen in my life) yelled something during Cycle-X while we were attempting to “sprint through mud” for the 4 minutes of No Diggity. She yelled, “DON’T CLOSE YOUR EYES! IT’S A WEAKNESS!”

Now, when it comes to Cycle-X, it’s not really a true issue if you close your eyes on occasion, but what she said resonates in working out. Does closing your eyes really make you weak? Well, not literally in the sense that if you close your eyes, your strength diminishes. However, think about it from this perspective.

Exercising, whether cardio or lifting, requires good technique. Technique is what keeps the human body safe and also keeps it getting stronger and healthier. Many people who work out know that technique is oftentimes more crucial than repetitions. In the real world, most people know it as “practice makes perfect.” Technique requires concentration, and it requires trial and error and effort. So when you close your eyes, you no longer have the ability to ensure that your technique is sound or if to fix your mistakes. If it’s running, if you close your eyes, you won’t see what’s ahead of you.

And don’t we do this too often in our own lives outside of the fitness center? Don’t we too often close our eyes when there’s too much or when things get extremely difficult? Maybe not literally in the sense of working out, but figuratively?

Not achieving something is one of the more disappointing feelings to have. Not doing well on a test, not getting the grade we wanted, not getting the job we wanted, or even other things that affect us. Perhaps unforeseen or even known things occur, and puts us in very adverse conditions. And what do we do? We close our eyes. I may not like to admit it often, but I close my eyes when I workout, and in my life.

When things get rough in my life, people tell me that I have a very strong calmness about me through the difficult times. Some people are jealous of it, some people are intrigued by it, and other are mad at me for not being emotional and just being calm. However, a lot of times my calmness is coupled and even enhanced by my willingness to “close my eyes” from the situation. I walk away from it. I try to wipe my hands clean from it. I pass the buck off to someone else. I refuse to acknowledge its existence. Or I’ll say “I’ll deal with it later.”

This is when weakness sets in.  

If we repeatedly close our eyes, we cannot see what’s in front of us. And when we cannot see, we miss out on a lot of opportunities, clues, and realizations. When road is painful and we feel as though the doors are closing in front of us, it is absolutely normal to close our eyes and to shut the world out.

But this is what we miss out on: the other opportunities in front of us, the ability to see our mistakes, the ability to reflect, the inability to move forward and recover, and even the inability to seek, accept, and receive help from our friends, family, and loved ones. When we close our eyes, we can even, unfortunately, go backwards in our professional and personal growths. We can do the same thing and fall again. We could mess up more. We deny other opportunities to arise.

So perhaps, I can learn from my friend Ashley when she tells us not to close our eyes. Whether it’s on a bike, or lifting weights, or living in the aftermath of being declined for a job or facing a personal issue, maybe I should keep my eyes open. If I keep my eyes open, maybe I can see the path more clearly. I can see what to improve, what to change. I can take steps forward in positive light and not darkness. I can even blaze my own trail.

Impossible is a misunderstanding of I’m Possible.  

Embracing Pain

"It’s not who YOU ARE that holds you back, it’s who you think YOU ARE NOT”


We all have the excruciating feelings of pain. We all know what it looks like and feels like. We all can share the experiences of emotional and physical pain. For many, pain is uncommon; for some, pain is very common. It is an animal and psychological instinct to avoid pain. Our bodies and minds are wired to flee from pain and to elude anything/anyone that could cause us potential pain. And yet, we always find ourselves in pain, both literally and metaphorically.

I have friends who are going through very painful experiences right now. I have friends who are experiencing pain due to relationships that oftentimes border on abusive. Some friends also are going through a painful decision on their relationship status and whether or not it is the right fit for them to be in a relationship with a certain person or not. I have a friend who was recently robbed. I have friends who are going through emotional struggles, physical struggles, and spiritual struggles. I, myself, have been through emotional, physical, and spiritual pains through my life. As a result, it’s normal to run away from the pain. It’s natural to avoid things that cause us pain. It’s logical that someone wouldn’t put him- or herself through painful experiences. And yet, I find myself disagreeing from time to time.

Once again, I am not surprised that my trainer Kelly Moran has put me in a position where I find amazing life lessons within my workouts. I will be honest in saying that my workouts are not for the faint of heart. They are not meant for the casual person who works out or the individual who takes his or her time between sets and repetitions. His workouts are fast, extreme, and demand a lot from the body and mind.

The pain that results from the workout is excruciating and long lasting (days at a time). As I’m writing this post, I am standing because my legs are so sore and in pain that sitting sounds like a horrible idea. Doing hundreds of repetitions without resting in between forces muscles to burn, tendons to tighten, and blood to rush towards the area. While the pain doing the workout is unbearable, the after effects are worse. Squatting down to pick something up is an impossibility. Walking up and down stairs is a task for the gods.

And then what do I do within 24-hours? I make sure I do the elliptical and then I do Cycle-X the next morning.

Kelly said something this morning that I believe is a great life lesson to learn, not only from a workout perspective, but from a perspective of lifelong learning and personal development.

There are many drills (all drills, let’s be real) that are painful to complete in Cycle-X, and one of the hardest drills is to sit down on the bike, and turn your tension to 10 (your maximum tension you can do without stopping your legs from pumping) and maintain that intensity for the duration of an entire song. A friend of mine was in that class, and I believe was her first experience with a 10-song. As she was progressing towards her 10, she did what we all have done in Cycle-X: the moment we feel that twinge of pain, we’re going to back off the tension and turn it back down slightly. Of course, nothing gets by Kelly, and he yelled:

“Embrace the pain, accept it, and use it”

What I believe Kelly means with this is that pain is going to be inevitable, especially when you engage in an activity that is difficult. When you are able to accept the pain and embrace it, you can turn it into a weapon for yourself. For the workout community, most people understand that there is an adequate need for pain during and post-workout that ensures muscle growth and cardiovascular strengthening. In the words of my friend Tasanee, "No Pain, No Gain."In the case of Cycle-X, embracing the pain that comes from essentially cycling through sand and mud for 4 minutes results in your legs getting stronger, your heart getting stronger, and your resilience to strengthen.

So how is this relatable to real life? I know some people may be skeptical and tell me that working out pain is much different than other pains in the world. Yes, I completely agree with all of you. The pain that results from a leg workout or from Cycle-X is incomparable to having your heart broken, to experiencing a death in the family, to having emotional and spiritual turmoil. And yet, while the pain is incomparable, perhaps the “how” we understand that pain may be applicable across many situations.

No one walks into a workout hoping to be in pain. No one walks into a relationship hoping to be in pain. No one enters life or engages in any activity hoping that pain is a result. We all hope and pray that as long as we put our effort in, positive experiences and progress will be the result. However, sometimes, unfortunately it does not happen for us.

And so what do we do? Oftentimes, we run away. We shut down. We vow to never do it again.

I will never love again.

I will never make that mistake again.

I will never pick up that weight again.

I will never [insert your activity].

It’s natural. I do it. We all do it. But what Kelly said in Cycle-X can be used right now.

Embrace the pain that has happened. That doesn’t mean to enjoy it or to like it. Embrace it, hold it close and acknowledge its presence. Pain is there. Your heart was broken. You made that mistake and it hurt badly. You failed miserably at that workout, test, etc. Your legs are in pain from running that mile, from being at a 10 on the bike at Cycle-X. Like life, pain is inevitable. We cannot escape pain. I wish we could, but we cannot.

So we embrace the pain. We accept that fact that we are going through pain. We should not deny the pain in our hearts, our bodies, our minds. If we choose to deny that pain, and to ignore it, we don’t learn from it. We don’t realize our mistakes, our learning points, our strengths and weaknesses. So after we accept that pain, what is a possible thing to do next?

Perhaps we make ourselves stronger. Like legs on a bicycle after completing the 10-resistance song, so can our minds, hearts, and bodies be strengthened once we embrace and accept that pain occurs in our lives. While it sucks, it does not end our lives. How we understand pain can result in a difference between growth and being jaded.

My friend made it through that 10-tension drill, and I hope she loved the feeling afterwards of knowing she met that challenge and go through it.

Life will frequently put our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls to the test. Life will ask test our breaking point. It will push, pull, twist, and throw us around. Through the blood, sweats, tears… the heartbreak, the headaches… the self-doubt, the hatred, the scorn, the feelings of being stabbed in the back…

Embrace the pain. Accept it. Use it.

Strength is the product of struggle.