Accepting Compliments

Respect those friends who find time for you in their busy schedule. But really love those friends who never see their schedule when you need them

For many people, hearing a compliment, being praised, having someone tell them they are valued in some way or accomplished something gives them a great feeling of joy. It makes them feel important. Valuable. Validated. Appreciated. Oftentimes people go out of their own way to do things, accomplish tasks, spend extra time getting ready so that they can hear those compliments as often as they can.

I am not one of those people, and many people close to me can attest that I absolutely hate being complimented or recognized for anything. Strange? Perhaps. Is it the art of being humble? Should people appreciate this showing of humility? Maybe.

Whether it’s at my work, in school, or at the gym, I’ve been complimented before. Sometimes I’ll be complimented on my schoolwork, on my tasks completed, my ability to be a good friend, good listener, or good advice giver. Sometimes I’m complimented on my workout ethic, the tenacity at which I try to finish my workout, my desire to do heavier weights, harder workouts, etc. I’ve ever been complimented on my outer appearance.

I admit to each and every one of you that, yes, I have a lot of pride and a “healthy” amount of vanity; however, I really do hate hearing compliments. I don’t enjoy hearing them, I don’t enjoy accepting them, and I brush them off very quickly to the chagrin of many people close to me.

While working out, whether it’s with my trainer, or at Cycle-X, or just working out by myself, people have complimented me. I don’t really thank them; I actually usually shrug and try and return a compliment back, or play down something about me they’ve complimented. For example, my friend Ashley always tries and compliments how good I am at Cycle-X. Just to be clear, Ashley is probably the best Cycle-X student ever, and is good enough to get to teach a class-equivalent on Sundays and sub-in for Kelly when Kelly’s not around. So when she compliments me, what do I do? I say, “Nah, you’re better, I can’t do [insert drill] anywhere close to you.” I do this with my trainer as well when he tries and tells me certain muscles are getting stronger; I respond with mentioning how my other muscles are not making as good of progress or how I’ve been eating like crap, etc.

Now, I know it sounds trivial at the gym, and maybe it is. Does it really matter I don’t accept compliments or words of positivity from workout friends or my trainer? Probably not, but what might this say in a grander scheme of things, since, I said before, I don’t accept compliments regarding just about anything.

How does what I do affect my friends and loved ones? My relationship with coworkers and bosses? What does this mean that I will not accept their compliments, will not validate what they are saying?

Of course I can say, “I’m just being humble. I don’t want to act like I’m arrogant.” But is it really arrogance when you accept compliments?

If you were to tell someone something you like about them, something you admire, something you enjoy, and they repeatedly tell you that that is not the case. That’s not true, “you’re just saying that.” Perhaps eventually you begin questioning if you are right, or if that person even cares what you think about them. Oftentimes we want to think about how compliments affect the person being complimented, but have I truly thought about how it affects the person giving the compliment? Maybe they are making themselves vulnerable (to differing degrees) and exposing their true thoughts about me. About you. If you choose not to accept it, not validate their personal feelings or their thoughts, are we similar to parents who never look at the successes of their children and only at their mistakes?

If someone told you you’re beautiful, and you resist and tell them you’re not, not only may they question the confidence and pride you have in yourself as a person but you may also be unconsciously telling them that they opinion is wrong. That they are, in fact, wrong and should reevaluate what they think or believe.

I understand I may be overreaching and overreacting in most cases, but unfortunately, I have seen it in my life and the affects I have placed upon people I love who have repeatedly tried and complimented me to no avail.

Friends and loved ones want to love you. They want to make you happy. They want to celebrate with you in your accomplishments. They want you to be proud of what you have done. They want you to take pride and to take a moment and smile inward about what you were able to do. For many of people, they can attribute it to the gifts that god has given them. For others, it’s the either the natural-born skills or the skills they have mastered.

Will you not be proud of the time and effort that others have given you in your past to get you to where you are to be complimented? Will you not be proud or recognize the time and effort you yourself have used to be placed in a position to be complimented?

Perhaps being humble is dangerous. Perhaps it is a selfish attitude to take. That the things we do shouldn’t be shared with others. That the impact we have on others, on projects, on the future should only be recognized by ourselves when we are ready and willing to recognize them.

Next time I’m complimented, should I play it down and let that person know that I have plenty of things I need to work on, and disregard their compliment? Or should I thank them for their kind words, take a moment and reflect upon the work and effort that was needed for that compliment to be warranted?

Accepting compliments may not be only for ourselves and for the person who complimented us, but maybe it is also our way of recognizing and being grateful for those who love us, support us, challenge us, and gave us the knowledge and strength to be who we are. 

So the next time I walk into St. Louis Workout, and I hear "You're looking good Chris" or "You're a beast" or "You've got a lot of heart and you work hard" or even "You're getting stronger and better"... I'm going to thank that person, and also understand that my thanks reflects my appreciation to my trainer, my friends, my loved ones, and all those that have supported me through my journey.

Better Than You Think

I believe in redefining my impossible - Nike

Twenty repetitions of 150 pounds bench press. Doesn’t sound very heavy right? Well do that fifteen times along with other exercises that you do the same 20 repetitions. Sounds like a lot right? Unfortunately, it is a reality for me almost every Tuesday when my Personal Trainer Kelly Moran works my upper body for a solid 60-70 minutes. Unlike the common belief of 8-10 repetitions for size and 10-15 repetition for lean muscles, Kelly believes that 20 repetitions pushes your body’s limits to reach dense muscle and lasting strength. In many ways, I attribute it to a Cheetah running at 75mph for 20 seconds versus an antelope that runs about 40mph for 10 minutes… and then Kelly’s practice is a wolf running 30mph for hours on end.

Clearly, 300 bench presses sounds absolutely ridiculous, and I am sure most of you are thinking, “I can’t do that.” I thought that as well. And for good reason. Doing 300 of anything is a lot. It asks your body to do much more than it has ever been asked to accomplish. For the hour or two I am awake before my 7AM workout, I constantly doubt whether or not I will be able to finish my workout. Perhaps I’ll humiliate myself. Perhaps I won’t be able to finish. What if I quit halfway though? What if I just can’t do it?

Fortunately, Kelly Moran and his personal training has helped solidify some wisdom I have often offered to my friends in the real life, but yet, I seem to sometimes forget it myself.

You Are Stronger and Better Than You Think

For some reason, I have friends who believe I am a good listener and almost good at giving advice to. I like to think that I at least offer suggestions that are more empowering and optimistic. Problematically, I often fail at adhering to my own advice. But let’s use an example.

I have a friend (many in fact) that is currently searching for employment because they are in their last semester of graduate school. She’s a very lovely young woman, very bright, and very lively. Oftentimes, though, she doesn’t express or exude a large presence of confidence. This is not to say she’s not confident in herself, but sometimes, there is a meekness and a quietness that is used in place of outward confidence. I’m not trying to judge a person’s personality or character; however, in many instances in our lives, especially in the United States, we are placed in positions where we have to prove why we deserve to be hired, chosen, listened to, trusted, over the others that want the same position, attention, etc.

I admit, many people think I am arrogant (which, I admit I am sometimes) and prideful (also true). However, to use my personal training now, it is important not to be meek and quiet to accomplish 300 repetitions. You have to believe with 100% confidence and desire that you WILL do it, not CAN do it.

I told my friend to be more confident. To write what she is qualified to do in a strong voice. To tell the company what she offers, the education she has, the passions she has, and why she is better than the other hundreds of applicants. Perhaps it may be better to see this as “What makes you capable to accomplish these tasks? What makes you believe that you have what it takes to overcome all the outside and inside forces that may work against you?” as opposed to “Why are you better than person X or person Y?”

Sometimes it goes against our nature to be combative, and there is nothing wrong with that. Many people, myself included, don’t wish to engage in competition, so maybe the questions need to be internally combative.

What part of your mind will overcome? The part of your mind that believes you can’t do it? You’re not good enough? Not qualified enough? Don’t have enough experience? Too old? Too young? Because you’re [insert identity]?

Or the part of your mind that tells you that possible occurs when people do the impossible? That you have what it takes? That there are people around you who believe in you? That you are better than you think?

Too often we believe we’re exerting 100% of our efforts into something where we actually are only contributing around 50-75% of our actual effort. Whether it’s the belief that you don’t want to be let down, or you don’t want to put your eggs in one basket, and it’s completely valid to think that way.

But like working out, when we are put to the test in life, the first battle is never the external. It’s the internal.

Kelly Moran can’t do my repetitions for me. Your friends and colleagues can’t get you the job. However, they do see who you can be. They see that person who can overcome anything. The person that can get that job, get that position, or make your body the best you want it to be.

You ever think your friends are lying when they tell you how amazing you are? Or how [insert a quality]? It’s not a lie, it’s their belief in you. It’s their being able to see you as who you truly are.

The moment we believe we are stronger and better than we think we are, we become everything we thought we could only wish we could be. The great thing is, we already had it, we just had to believe it.

And by the way, I’ve never failed my 300 repetitions.

Inner Strength

Everything You Need is Already Inside - Nike

Have you ever been repeatedly reprimanded for not doing something correctly? Sometimes there is no worse feeling than being yelled at in front of a group of others. The feeling of being singled out in a group of others who may have more experience in completing a task just because you are a new or without the experience can be a very frightening and triggering moment. Welcome to the world of Cycle-X from St. Louis Workout. We all have experienced beginner’s luck, whether in a video game or in an activity. Somehow, we had that moment where the stars aligned, and we were suddenly amazing at something we had never done before. Many people experience this euphoric sensation when playing video games or billiards. Unfortunately, at Cycle-X, you won’t have beginner’s luck. In fact, being a beginner in Cycle-X is one of the most frightening and stressful times.

 Cycle-X is an extreme cycling class and is not comparable to a typical spin class. My personal trainer Kelly Moran is the Cycle-X instructor and utilizes techniques from his experiences with Olympic trainers and other extreme fitness classes and created a spin class that, in my opinion, rivals any Insanity™ or P90X™ workout you go through. Throughout the 60- to 90-minute spin class, there are more than a dozen drills from hitting spin cadences above 200rpm, maxing out the resistance while standing or sitting, standing sprints, and choreographed movements that test your physical and mental abilities.

You will be yelled at. I was yelled at for weeks. I didn’t hit the cadences. Couldn't maintain 150rpm. Can’t keep my head up. Can’t do 4-corners correctly. I was called out in the middle of class multiple times in front of others more skilled than I was. Kelly has no problem using explicit language at you, telling you to stop, kicking you out of class if he feels as though you aren’t trying hard enough. There were classes that, after I survived them, I felt as though I was a failure, that I was never going to be good enough. I felt triggered, defensive, and angry multiple times after being reprimanded.

Being a Master of Social Work student, I was taught about supporting others, about strength-based approaches. I am educated in multiple techniques that use soft skills to empower and support others. And trust me, there are times I’ve wanted to tell Kelly that his technique of constant reprimanding and what can be construed as anger and disappointment was not the most effective way of supporting who I was as a person.

 Yes, I could just quit and not come back. However, just like almost every workout I complete, every failed set or rep I have to experience, this is what I have learned.

 It is a very humbling experience to be made aware of your shortcomings and weaknesses. It is not a good feeling to have, and it will trigger almost every defense mechanism you have. This is real life.

Now, I know most people will scoff at my linkage of working out to real life. It would be amazing if we could all live life the way Social Workers envision – one where everyone has an exceptional support network with optimal attention paid to emotional support and positive reinforcement.

That’s not real. Not right now at least. Sometimes we are unable to leave our pride at the door. We don’t want to be exposed as weak, as incompetent. We also don’t like having our feelings hurt. The real world will kick you in the face. Multiple times. We will be exposed as incompetent and weak. We will fail, and fail badly in front of others. The world will make sure people around us are notified in some way of our inability to complete [insert task].

Whether it’s doing 4-corners correctly in a 60-minute spin class or being rejected from someone, some institution, or some grant opportunity, if we allow our pride and triggers to get the better of us, we won’t see the lesson in front of us.

 Instead of arguing back at what happened (in this case, yelling at my spin instructor for not being supportive), I can understand that life presents me a choice: are you going to give up? Is that all it takes for you to stop? How much resolve do you have?

Being humbled, falling down, it’s a part of life. Instead of blaming circumstance or blaming someone else, what can I do? Am I going to get back on that bike and sweat, cry, and bleed until I prove to my trainer I can master that bike? Or am I going to get defensive and aggressive to protect my pride? 

Oftentimes we are unwilling to be broken down to be rebuilt into stronger people. Cycle-X is not meant to hold your hand until you can master the skills. It challenges you to find it within yourself to accept your current weakness and to destroy it.

If you can’t find it within yourself, you will not find it outside yourself.