Accepting Compliments

Respect those friends who find time for you in their busy schedule. But really love those friends who never see their schedule when you need them

For many people, hearing a compliment, being praised, having someone tell them they are valued in some way or accomplished something gives them a great feeling of joy. It makes them feel important. Valuable. Validated. Appreciated. Oftentimes people go out of their own way to do things, accomplish tasks, spend extra time getting ready so that they can hear those compliments as often as they can.

I am not one of those people, and many people close to me can attest that I absolutely hate being complimented or recognized for anything. Strange? Perhaps. Is it the art of being humble? Should people appreciate this showing of humility? Maybe.

Whether it’s at my work, in school, or at the gym, I’ve been complimented before. Sometimes I’ll be complimented on my schoolwork, on my tasks completed, my ability to be a good friend, good listener, or good advice giver. Sometimes I’m complimented on my workout ethic, the tenacity at which I try to finish my workout, my desire to do heavier weights, harder workouts, etc. I’ve ever been complimented on my outer appearance.

I admit to each and every one of you that, yes, I have a lot of pride and a “healthy” amount of vanity; however, I really do hate hearing compliments. I don’t enjoy hearing them, I don’t enjoy accepting them, and I brush them off very quickly to the chagrin of many people close to me.

While working out, whether it’s with my trainer, or at Cycle-X, or just working out by myself, people have complimented me. I don’t really thank them; I actually usually shrug and try and return a compliment back, or play down something about me they’ve complimented. For example, my friend Ashley always tries and compliments how good I am at Cycle-X. Just to be clear, Ashley is probably the best Cycle-X student ever, and is good enough to get to teach a class-equivalent on Sundays and sub-in for Kelly when Kelly’s not around. So when she compliments me, what do I do? I say, “Nah, you’re better, I can’t do [insert drill] anywhere close to you.” I do this with my trainer as well when he tries and tells me certain muscles are getting stronger; I respond with mentioning how my other muscles are not making as good of progress or how I’ve been eating like crap, etc.

Now, I know it sounds trivial at the gym, and maybe it is. Does it really matter I don’t accept compliments or words of positivity from workout friends or my trainer? Probably not, but what might this say in a grander scheme of things, since, I said before, I don’t accept compliments regarding just about anything.

How does what I do affect my friends and loved ones? My relationship with coworkers and bosses? What does this mean that I will not accept their compliments, will not validate what they are saying?

Of course I can say, “I’m just being humble. I don’t want to act like I’m arrogant.” But is it really arrogance when you accept compliments?

If you were to tell someone something you like about them, something you admire, something you enjoy, and they repeatedly tell you that that is not the case. That’s not true, “you’re just saying that.” Perhaps eventually you begin questioning if you are right, or if that person even cares what you think about them. Oftentimes we want to think about how compliments affect the person being complimented, but have I truly thought about how it affects the person giving the compliment? Maybe they are making themselves vulnerable (to differing degrees) and exposing their true thoughts about me. About you. If you choose not to accept it, not validate their personal feelings or their thoughts, are we similar to parents who never look at the successes of their children and only at their mistakes?

If someone told you you’re beautiful, and you resist and tell them you’re not, not only may they question the confidence and pride you have in yourself as a person but you may also be unconsciously telling them that they opinion is wrong. That they are, in fact, wrong and should reevaluate what they think or believe.

I understand I may be overreaching and overreacting in most cases, but unfortunately, I have seen it in my life and the affects I have placed upon people I love who have repeatedly tried and complimented me to no avail.

Friends and loved ones want to love you. They want to make you happy. They want to celebrate with you in your accomplishments. They want you to be proud of what you have done. They want you to take pride and to take a moment and smile inward about what you were able to do. For many of people, they can attribute it to the gifts that god has given them. For others, it’s the either the natural-born skills or the skills they have mastered.

Will you not be proud of the time and effort that others have given you in your past to get you to where you are to be complimented? Will you not be proud or recognize the time and effort you yourself have used to be placed in a position to be complimented?

Perhaps being humble is dangerous. Perhaps it is a selfish attitude to take. That the things we do shouldn’t be shared with others. That the impact we have on others, on projects, on the future should only be recognized by ourselves when we are ready and willing to recognize them.

Next time I’m complimented, should I play it down and let that person know that I have plenty of things I need to work on, and disregard their compliment? Or should I thank them for their kind words, take a moment and reflect upon the work and effort that was needed for that compliment to be warranted?

Accepting compliments may not be only for ourselves and for the person who complimented us, but maybe it is also our way of recognizing and being grateful for those who love us, support us, challenge us, and gave us the knowledge and strength to be who we are. 

So the next time I walk into St. Louis Workout, and I hear "You're looking good Chris" or "You're a beast" or "You've got a lot of heart and you work hard" or even "You're getting stronger and better"... I'm going to thank that person, and also understand that my thanks reflects my appreciation to my trainer, my friends, my loved ones, and all those that have supported me through my journey.